I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
