Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
