I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
