Betty ford says i'm here all night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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