i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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