Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
