i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
