Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
