Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can I color on your dick again?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
