just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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