i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My life is pants optional.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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