You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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