Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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