if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
