I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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