She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
