Barsexuality is the new black.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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