I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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