Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
