We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize