the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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