First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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