You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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