Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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