Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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