I think I died a long time ago.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
