a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
