Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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