She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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