Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
