You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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