guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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