Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
