I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
