Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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