My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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