We're like a lot better than the average bears
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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