just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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