Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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