I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
