soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
