I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
