Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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