Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
