Plan B is the new Plan A
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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