At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
