Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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