my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
