This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize