Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
