Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
