she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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