we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
