I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
