I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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