I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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