Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
youre lurking in front of me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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