Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
