and you said cock pushups were impossible
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize