You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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