so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
