there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
