$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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