just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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