After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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