after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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